this moment.

IMG_4012With the impending changing of life seasons, I find myself sitting silently, watching my children as an observer. I find myself studying their movements, unconsciously smiling at their mannerisms.

I don’t want to forget the way their arms move when they run or the way they slip between imagination and reality. I don’t want to forget the facial expressions they make when they think no one is watching.

I soak it all in, treasure it and wish I could find a way to lock it up in my heart- preserving its freshness and innocence. The daily 6 second videos we capture are a treasure, but the reality of this moment is even so much more.

If only I could be given the promise to visit this moment again. 

When my second pregnancy was nearing the due date, I remember these feelings hovering over me the same. There was this intuition inside me that promised life was only about to be more wonderful, yet I worried about loosing the joys of the present. I remember worrying that I would forget or no longer notice the sweet intonations of my little girl’s voice; that I wouldn’t remember the brightness of her smile or the joy of her laugh. I feared that long, sleepless nights would cloud my view of her beauty.

But then, as if God’s grace washed over me with a new freshness, there was this new beauty. This new awareness of my daughter’s spirit. It was the promise I knew was coming.

I saw empathy that I never noticed before. The way she would run to her brother when he cried melted my heart. It was different than the forward-propelled, toddler run that gave me such joy in the past. It was full of urgency and yet so much confidence, as if she knew just what he needed and nothing would get in her way to care for him.

The way she called him “Jonah-man” and stood patiently by his swing to make sure it didn’t stop. The way she giggled when his diaper filled up and hovered over him when he slept. The way she found such joy in him!

My life was filled with new, breathless, serene moments that forever plastered themselves to my heart. 

As my heart prepares for our new family addition, my eyes are focused on my big kids. I notice the leaves changing their colors in the backdrop of their daily play, but my attention is on their current beauty. I cherish their small details, the bits of them that make this moment unique. The freshness of this picture fills me with emotion; and yet, this unwavering intuition, this promise for tomorrow, has again settled in my heart. A new awakening of love is near.

The warmth of a brighter sun, the horizon of a new beauty, the comfort of a redefined “us”…

 

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