No matter the circumstances that it took to get you there, sometime after the excitement of a positive pregnancy test wears off, you start to wonder if you can really do this. There is no turning back, no grabbing time and returning it… but still, you wonder if God really created you as able. Can you really handle the body changes? Can you really be the mom you need to be for this child? Can you really wait 9months to meet this life that you already know so intimatly?
As the weeks pass, I find myself surfing through these waves of emotion. Excitement, fear, anticipation, worry, joy, peace… they roll up on me when I thought the tide change was over. Just when I conquer the crest of worry (more sleepless nights!?!), this deep sense of joy over takes me! The thought of another beautiful life- one that is fully part of me and I of it, leaves me breathless. To look into the eyes of another beautiful soul and know that God created that child just for this moment in time, His beauty is never so vibrant!
Most often, I press myself to find rest in the calm- to find the place between crests and acknowledge the moment. It is in this place, that I know worry has no benefits. A baby is worth all discomfort and every step of the journey into motherhood (even the third time around) is to be treasured. It is much easier to find this place, when you’ve been here twice before!
In the moments of fear and worry, I wonder how I’ll keep up with all the demands of life. My marriage, my big kids, my work. Where do they all fit? Is there a perfect time allotment to issue to each “life account.”
Will I love this child in the same, deep way as my two little buddies? We’ve vacationed and made memories together, had Christmas’ and birthday parties, learned to talk and walk. We’ve discovered all the kids places around town- we know our favorite splash pads and favorite rainy day adventures. We’ve conquered so many of the #momlife “1sts”, all without this irreplacable member of our family. How long will it take for this soul to feel like part of “us”?
Then there is the joy and excitement, it makes my heart race and puts an effortless smile on my face, when I try to imagine this sweet baby’s face. What will his/her littler personality be like? Will Daddy’s looks shine through strong again… what about dimples… and imagination… and even just presence. What words will we use when we describe this little being? He or she will have elements of Josh, elements of me, elements of Norah and elements of Jonah. In just being, they will be part of us. I try, but I can’t even imagine!
I do know…he or she will be amazing, for sure! 😉
As a mommy and as someone who feels like mom-hood is what I was specifically designed for, the joy of having another child growing in my womb fills me with humbleness and thankfulness. I am filled with joy!
We will get to experience a new baby with a fresh perspective and new energy… and two very helpful, big siblings! I promise myself that I will treasure every little squeal and every open-mouthed “kiss” in a whole, fresh way. I can’t wait to see the kids reactions to each other and to see the relationships transpire. God has goodness in mind, that I cannot fathom.
As the tide rolls on, bringing in new emotions (and new hormonal swings), I make the choice that I will both live in the calm, and also ride the waves. I will let thoughts wash over me, I will process them and acknowledge them, but I will not drink them in. I will not drown. Nor, will I wash away. The adventure ahead is too great and the memories too epic.
I am honored to be a Mom of Three ❤ ❤ ❤
Baby Update: We are 17 weeks into pregnancy. The nausea and exhaustion have passed, but the “just feeling slower than usual” feeling is still around. The baby bump is officially popping out and maternity clothes have re-appeared in my closet. For those who have asked, we do not know the gender of baby and we are hoping that we have enough patience to wait until birth to find out. So far, so good!